Today, I find myself longing for my daughters…. I have left so much behind. Like a huge mirror that has been shattered into little shards, I have left tiny pieces of mirror of myself all across this country.
Truly I tell you… One must totally lose oneself in order to be found. A paradox indeed.
Recently, I watched the documentary The 13th Step. I find it interesting of all the hours of taping of me the documentarian choose to use the few minutes of my utter anger. Everyone else is depicted in a calm manner… Except me. Interesting indeed. Now more things make sense about that person’s motive. Harsh way to find out. One tiny shard…
I thought I have been grieving my son, grieving how his death totally tore my family apart, grieving that a decade later I still don’t have my daughters in my life. A few shards there.
But as I watched the movie Freedom Writers this afternoon I started crying and just couldn’t quit put my finger on why… I had a wonderful day by comparison to my walk the last decade, heck today has been my best day in a long long time. I got up with the Sun, I made home made cinnamon buns and chatted with a Veteran whom has become a dear, dear friend. And on my pain scale was at an acceptable and functionable level. So why the overwhelming sadness that I can’t put my finger on…quite?
4:44 pm I decide to take a hot bath. Grateful for such a little thing as being able to get in and out all by myself. But I feel the need to grieve…I am just not sure what it is that I am grieving exactly. As I soak in the tub, I hear my cell singing Good Morning, good morning; to me from the living room. I sit in the tub crying still unsure why and begin praying as I often do in the bath. Prayers of gratitude for a tub! Gratitude for my own place for the first time in just shy of a decade. Gratitude for furniture that has been gifted to me….
Again the alarm goes on with singing Good Morning….and I sit there and give prayers for my veteran friend who blessed me with a beautiful purple bathroom. Purple rugs, purple shower curtain, and of course purple towels. Because as she said, “Every woman deserves a pretty bathroom”! Yet somehow I haven’t even been able to use any of those pretty purple towels. Somehow I realized tonight….I didn’t feel worthy of such pretty towels. I had not touched them because I didn’t feel worthy of such prettiness in kinda the same way when I first got sober I couldn’t accept a compliment. But I am giving prayers of thanksgiving for these untouched towels. And for the third time I hear the Good Morning alarm sing. I grab the handicap bars of the tub and hoist my hiney up still crying….and for the first time I grabbed one of those pretty purple towels and wrap it around me then walk to the living room to shut the alarm off. Returning to the bathroom and tub it finally hits me… I m grieving myself …this walk I have made. All the things I left behind! Like tiny shards of mirror! Me….shattered like a mirror and I am just finally getting the broom and dustpan out to try and sweep all the shards up and make some sense of it ALL.
So now that I have been able to put my finger on it maybe I can finally write about it all. My son’s death, the changing of my name, the reasons I walked away from so much and so many that still are so very dear to me. How could I ….if I loved them and wanted to keep everyone safe and myself alive… How could I not?
Verily I say to you…every morning when the sun rises I do ask myself What good am I going to do Today? For surely I know that when I go out to say evening prayers with the Sunset…. It take a shard of me with it…. Will it be a useful memory, did my overwhelming pain somehow help another human being get thru one more day, did I do something, anything good in this day…. Even if it was only to empathize with another or to pray for another selflessly? Did I try to make it a better world somehow Today? Did I think of the generations I am merely borrowing Mother Earth from? Did I make choices with those generations in my heart first and not as an after thought? Was I a decent human being today?
If not…there was no purpose in those shards…. #JustSayin
So I think I will finish grieving Me tonight and maybe re-watch the documentary, The 13th Step, in the morning and get on with writing this unbelievable story of my journey.
Smoke n prayers unto you ~ Woman Walkin in Faith
I go outside to greet today….
It is still dark as I prepare to smudge and greet this day, mindful that this is the Super Blood Moon and the day of the eclipse. I light my smudge and honor the 7 directions as day breaks. A crow flies by crying with it’s caw…. Reminding me this is to be a day of Sacred Law.
It is Sunday. For many this means it is the day of church. For me…. Every day I wake up IS a day of walkin in faith. Honoring the Creator and Mother Earth with ALL H/Er inhabitants. Though I feel this is a new beginning, I know it is a new beginning on many levels. So while the smudge is still waiffing around me, I ask the Creator if I should fast and pray for the next 4 days.
The wrens and song birds come alive with song…. Also greeting the Sun’s rising. Daylight has just broke the horizon here. I hear the eagle’s distinctive cry. Almost as if to answer me the eagle calls out for the next several minutes. I sit prayerfully in awe and listen. I listen to the birds, to the eagle calling out and to what has been placed upon my heart this day.
It is then, that I see a neighbor with her dog come out. Reminding my to have loyalty to my fellow humans being. So I know this new phase of my life is about being of service. Not only to the Creator but towards my neighboring humans being. And the eagle cries out once more.
I remind my neighbor of the eclipse and blood moon and what time we will be able to view this event here. As I make a few decisions about which direction my life is moving into. I am always reminded to pray for others.
Today I was reminded, to freely share my understanding with others. That prayer and fasting brings answers. That my suffering is for the Good of the ALL. That the Elders have taught me well, I need to be mindful to be a good representative of a Daughter of the Creator in all that I do. This day and everyday.
All I have is THIS day. I send smoke n prayers up for my elders all across this nation. I pray for the future of the next 7 generations… That they be healthy, whole and connected not just to our Creator but also to Mother Earth. That in this day we, as humans being, will find ways to respect and uplift one another.
A’Ho! This is what it is to be a Woman Walkin In Faith …. #Today
Wado (thanks) for such #Inspiring words and reminders.
Originally posted on The daily meanderings of a teacher:
Bird Droppings July 31, 2015
Doing is the best teacher
It has been an interesting week. I did my usual going into school and working in my room. I spent a good bit of the mornings taking advantage of weather and light and getting some rather interesting photographs. Later yesterday afternoon after almost fifteen hours of rain I went to start gardening, and it rained again of course. On a different thought, it has been intriguing to me how so many people view education as failing. I wonder as I sit here this morning how many saying such things could pass a high school biology class of today. I was joking yesterday as I helped a friend move into a new room at school how my 1968 college biology was nothing compared to our current text in high school. He mentioned something about how cells were not discovered yet in…
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Originally posted on RED POWER MEDIA:
Apache leader Wendsler Nosie issued a call for solidarity in the fight against Congress’ recent decision to give sacred Native American land to a foreign mining company.
Speaking to a crowd of about 75 gathered Friday in South Tucson, Nosie invited people of of all races, religions and political affiliations to stand up against what he calls the “dirty” way in which legislators approved the land swap in December. He invited everyone to a spiritual gathering and protest at Oak Flat, about 100 miles north of Tucson, next Saturday.
“This is not just our fight. This is an American battle,” said Nosie, former chairman of the San Carlos Apache Tribe. The reservation’s border is just east of the proposed copper mine at…
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Originally posted on womanwalkininfaith:
The Rainbow Visit of 2001. click to open the #TrueStory of another day of ode with of course Rainbows and Hope and Healing. Happy Holidays… for your reading pleasure while I get back to writing…the ending poem is my youngest daughters #TrueStory of the same experience. The obvious wisdom she already had.
I sit here wondering and groaning out to my Creator, God of my own misunderstanding. …not to mention crying, Why, Why, Oh my Lord WHY?
I have tried to start 3 online businesses since last August so that maybe I could afford to live….Heck I can’t even afford to die! I have towed every government agency line….reporting everything to each one and honestly, no less. What have I gotten for this?
I have helped every lost cause case God sent my way. Even other people that I knew had bad Intentions and they have sent a lost or hopeless cause my way. Just to try and sidetrack me. Yet, I opened my doors and helped the lost causes, fed the hungry when I had nothing to be feeding anyone else. Put shoes that were new and gifted to me on someone else’s feet because they obviously needed them more. And what has been my repayment here on earth?
I have been honest to my own detriment even. Those that know me well will tell you just how honest I am…. if only you show me enough respect to bother to ask me, you will get an honest answer from me. What has this gotten me?
And some can see in my Facebook page of 4/14/15 high school pics of me and my track record even then while in utter turmoil for a home life, that I cared and what I cared ABOUT and still Do! But what has this gotten me?
I have dealt with alcoholics, addicts and even lying and thieving family. And of course, who do they Always throw under the bus? Of course the one that is honest and helping them personally. What has this gotten me? No family.
But when I was sent across the country and helping others along the way is when I really started not liking two leggeds! Ashamed even to be one today. What has all of this gotten me? Heartbroken more than anyone will ever know.
Nothing here on Mother Earth…. nothing but more heart ache and taken advantage of by every conceivable self centered and self righteous jerk walking and talking or online.
So while I have had my entire life hacked apart and every bit of my personal info stolen and used. I can’t use it! I know there is so much irony in there. ….but for the life of me. I am crying out to my Creator, God of my own misunderstanding. …..WHY WHY IN THE NAME OF THECHRISTED ONE, IS THIS HAPPENING?
I was not intending to be a saint…. I was merely going for becoming a decent Human BEING in a very uncomfortable vehicle called this body. I was going for being Part of the #Solutions and for that my whole life has been dismantled and hacked. Ironically who ever wants to can apparently use my info even though they can’t prove they are me….. and yet I can’t .
I have been trying to untangle my life from another family members and in the interim I can’t get answers from the Bank of America on new accounts I opened…. And the 2 to 5 biz days for my permanent bank cards still are not in and I applied on March 31st. Heck even the 7 to 10 days if they had not been expedited has come and gone. And I have been homeless since April 2nd. Today is tax day, April 15th. No answers. I was pre approved for a small credit card of $500 with $99 secured. They can’t tell me anything on that except it was cancelled on April 2nd. They can’t even tell me by whom! So there went my fragile trust in our banking system of America. 3 online businesses vanished as soon as they got my money. Kitsy lane, IPas and IPas2 and then Vemma/GPS changed to VBS….like I said as soon as they got my money and attached my accounts. In my little Penny world it IS A HUGE DEAL TO ME….ESPECIALLY WHEN THE BANK CAN’T ANSWER QUESTIONS!
Even family has made my info vulnerable by giving it away to ex spouses and kids. But heck, even 2 of my own daughters has done such things to me.
Faith….Faith in humans? Faith in our banks? Faith in online businesses? Faith in our goverment? Faith in our law officials? Nope…..they have robbed me of all they could!
Only FAITH I HAVE LEFT CAN’T BE DUPPED NOR STOLEN….
ONLY FAITH I HAVE LEFT IS IN OUR CREATOR, GOD OF MY OWN MISUNDERSTANDING AND THE CHRISTED ONE. All y’all CAN’T steal that! It is the gift of Grace from God himself.
But all y’all have me in fight or flight mode, AGAIN, so you can smile abd chuckle while you read this.
BUT KNOW THIS, I MAY HAVE GOTTEN THE SHORT END OF THE DEAL HERE ON MOTHER EARTH but I will be the ONE WAVING AT YOU FROM HEAVEN as you go wherever the Creator sees fit.
I should have kept heading to Michigan….worse that could have happened is I may have gotten caught up in the tornado in Illinois. …..today that isn’t sounding like such a bad option.
I have Too good of a heart and spirit to be here trying to help others.
That is what I get for honorably walking the red road and being a decent Human Being…..maybe I am going for sainthood and just didn’t get the snail mail nor email. Even that been getting hacked or opened before I get to view it.
I am a woman walkin in faith, in a world filled with demons. I am ready to just jump in my truck and drive till the tires fall off and live right there. If I am lucky.,,,, there won’t be any family, banks, or two leggeds wherever I land. Just animals, they wither like you because they sense your spirit or don’t like you. And even unlike the Angels….they CAN’T lie,
I am done helping others and questioning God still….,WHY? Now I know how Mother Teresa must have felt. ….
My advice: Do not bother Trying to be honorable or decent. And God forbid, do not tell the truth. ….it only makes you a victim in this ugly world. And I am over it.
I forgive all y’all. …. the rest is between you and God of your own misunderstanding. I can’t even say I will pray for anyone anymore. …..are y’all happy now? You have done well at making my life a tormented one and it WON’T be me YOU have to answer to for those ACTIONS. May the Creator have mercy on your soul!
Wado and A’HO Mitakyue Oyasin
Originally posted on Muxeres en Movimiento - SoCal:
Dear all Medicine People from the 4 directions,
I do not care how old you are, I do not care what spiritual tradition or tribe you come from, I do not care if you are a sundancer, I do not care if you are full blooded, if you are Mexica, Orisha, or First Nation. None of that excuses you from spreading stories and ideas that degrade women and erase the histories of two spirit people.
I will no longer stand to hear stories in which women are portrayed as less than or subservient to a men being passed off as traditional stories. These are lies, women have always either been equal to men or seen as more worthy of leadership than men because they know how to bring life into the world, they know how to keep peace, and they know how to tell men that battles and war are…
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BE very careful …..now the scammers are using *67 so their number comes up as unknown. I have had two supposed federal government Grant calls in the last 7 days. Called them on it being a scam and told them the First call I was going to put it on y Facebook and report it to FBI. Which I did. So today’s call came in as unknown. But it was the SAME foreign voice, and I said, so let me guess you Need me to buy a green dot card to pay the processing fees, right? He said yes and asked how I knew. And I told him because I got your call end of last week and you are on the FBI scam list online you dummy! Not to mention I listened on speaker phone 4 times they called my brothers phone and have had them call me about the same amount of times since end of last year.
The other one they are using is a you owe taxes scam and trying to get you in a panic.
I wish I could say that is all the scams but as I just learned the hard way……don’t buy any online businesses either. Most of them are scams and keeps you busy going thru their training university and once you give them you card number, they got you. I had to go to my bank several times in the last month over issues. …now I won’t shop nor do any business online nor by phone. DO NOT GIVE ANYONE YOUR INFO UNLESS YOU CAN LOOK THEM IN THE EYE AND SWIPE YOUR BANK OR CREDIT CARD YOURSELF..,JUST DON’T! #JustSayin Think and don’t let anyone hurry you and I got to add pray about it first.
Heck I got neighbors getting and opening my mail before the mailman gets it into my locked mailbox. I even am Getting some really cute tape when it gets taped back up and finally arrives in my locked mailbox.
Once again, I am going to remind my neighbors, do not think you will be any kind of exception….I had two of my four children arrested before, so please do not think because we live in the good old boy wild west show out here that I won’t have you arrested. If you need references maybe you need to call federal MARSHALLS office in Asheville, NC…. they will tell you i will Let you hang yourself with that rope and you better start Praying they don’t come a knocking on my door like they did in 2005.
Walk away or get locked away…..your choice…. it if they knock, I talk.