On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Opportunity !

Many, many moons ago, a little girl dreamed of a little boy and playing in the Redwood Forrest in California. For many reasons this little girl would revisit that dream ‘on purpose’ as an escape route to shut out what was occurring around her. A few years past, but the dream never changed except both this little boy and I seemed to be getting older in these dreams but the content of the dream was always the same. We were playing and I would get glimpses of things I did not understand since they seemed so far into the future about our lives. Some of it was our lives separately and some of it was mind-boggling and seemed unrealistic even to me, since it was obvious even as a child it would be so, so far into the future. It would be approximately 4 more years of just sleep walking and waking up outside and remembering the same dream and the warm fuzzy feeling it always brought to my heart; before my birth mother would run off across the country with his birth father. Still it would be another year or two before we would actually meet, face to face, ironically, across the country. This boy would end up being my step brother and life long best friend. Once again we live under the same roof as adults after over 30 years of each of us on our own path in this thing called life. I always was considered ‘the strange one’; so have no fear, if you have those thoughts while you read this #TrueStory, it won’t even hurt my feelings. (laughing.) The point of sharing this piece of the puzzle today …well it is probably another story, for another day; but you do need to know some of it to fully appreciate the rest of the story. Point today, would be to share that though, we both lived in different households at different times, we both were on #ChristmasAngelTree’s / #Toys4Tots in my #militarywife/ #civilianworker life; my  children as the recipients. Not to mention, at some point, all four of my own children have been placed on those trees in the years since. So even back in the 1960’s there was some form of #AngelTree’s as there is today.

I have been under the weather for couple weeks now,  if you only knew how literal I meant that; You would be laughing with me, right now. But everyday I wake up, I pray and give thanks for even waking up again, then promptly remind myself that ‘it really is ALL Gravy after that! even the crappy days ARE a privilege !’ In that moment I DECIDE, deal with my fears or Choose to live and walk in my faith. So after a few decades of keeping it that simple (though way easier to do today than couple decades ago, laughing) it is THAT SIMPLE for me. One of my real jobs in life I would say is taking others by the hand and getting them back to that place in their own life. Where they understand that this IS a very personal journey ….mine is mine. I can only share it with you. If I truly care, I will also share the real results, too. Then help you find your OWN! I don’t want you to have my relationship with the Creator. I want you to have your own; with your own understandings. Then;  we get to do, what I choose to call, ‘Swap some pieces of the puzzle, we each have found along our own life’s path’ and hopefully both will learn and grow from the experience. I can only share my own experience, good , bad and even ugly…but this is holiday time so that means the Miracles too. So this best friend of mine and I have not seen each other since 1981 or so until my birthday 2012. Today, I still have the honor of living in his house with him.

Did you know most people think the 12 days of Christmas have already started, but actually the First day of the 12 days of Christmas is ACTUALLY December 25th. It came up over morning coffee early this week, along with a few other odd things. It has been one of those weeks, after a couple of weeks of getting out of the dang bed  alone, was huge in my life, that I got the week no one really looks forward too. I had another mammogram, a doctors appointment and dexascan to look forward too.  I have spent the last 3 weeks on the verge of tears from being off the pain scale. So for me, it was a week of looking to ‘get my #HopeOn ‘, while secretly praying I would be physically able to just get up, bathed, dressed and out to go to 3 appointments when I knew how bad I really was feeling. To be honest, I was kinda getting pissy from being home alone and feeling so bad. But life on life’s terms, sometimes, is not so pretty. But I needed something to look forward to in order to get my #HopeOn . So Monday night, Jimmy called me to give me a medicine reminder and his voice was emotional; as he briefly told me there were 3 tags still on #Angeltree at  the job he is so grateful to be working for the seasonal influx. He asked if we could we talk about it when he got home if I was still up.


5 days have past since I started this story and did some revising on it the next day. Then life on life’s terms, mother earth and the weather have been progressively kicking my butt. Those that know me , KNOW I do not exaggerate an iota when I say; ‘I make Murphy’s Law take on a whole new meaning, with my luck in many areas.’  I, defy the odds mathematically but honestly it may have to do with the deal I made with the Creator before I entered this robe. I say this since so much more has occurred in the last 5 days….so know I am still PRAYING like my own life depends on it and trying to find and hold the hope till the winter equinox this week. Marking the official end of this trek I have been asked to take on, with this Creator of admittedly my own misunderstanding since 2006. So note it may affect the tone of the story. So though, I have decided to spend this time in prayer and writing…..I do hope to have this story finished in time offline to post it online in time for the holiday(s). So let’s get back to the story now: Hoka Hey!


So my best friend Jimmy asked if we could talk about it when he got home that night if I was still awake. I said of course. It reminded me of just before he started this temp job how  I had asked him  to step out in faith…just a baby step of total utter faith that if we commit…the Creator will provide it. a $5 commitment monthly for a year. Even when we can’t see….So we made a 5 dollar per month commitment to a worthy cause, #KLove with me on disability of peanuts and him still unemployed when I asked him to do this. But he said even though he had no idea where we can even squeeze five bucks from to keep our word. Especially after a year of falling farther and farther behind financially and trying to keep our word with businesses but then things beyond our control kept happening; this entire year. So this baby step was HUGE for him. No Job, no promise of a job even a temp or seasonal one, no money except 5 bucks and some change on my  Wal-Mart prepaid gold card. But all year he has listened to Daily audio Bible with me and listening to K Love radio station daily whenever we step into the garage. So on that morning  I prayed and it was something placed on my heart. So, afterward I went  inside and asked him to step out with me on just a 5 dollar commitment, BLINDLY, in what ever faith he has worked on this past year. He almost floored me when he said yes and replied quickly, no less. You need to understand he has always worried and stressed over money…pushing himself through life to provide. So for him this was a Huge step. I was so proud of him to tell you the truth. I believe that was on a Saturday or Sunday and he was contacted within the next 24 hours about this seasonal job and interviewing for it. He got it. Thank goodness because at least, we could catch up the utilities and pay December’s mortgage payment. that was 5 or 6 weeks ago (give or take) and today he had a panic attack at that job when he realized he was working his next to last day. Then the worry and stress of January started. minor panic attack on the job. Meanwhile today I was home having major panic attacks of my own. life on life’s terms….etc.

Back to that night last week or so, he shared with me the story of his child hood wanting a castle for his army men, soldiers etc. and how he asked for it every year, from Santa Claus. He did that for several years but never got it. How hurt he was over that one thing. Today he understands it was probably a matter of finances. As a child, we don’t know those things yet.  I shared my experience with him about my thing  over red shoes. Having grew up in California, I own flip flaps that stayed in cars while I usually went bare foot. I wanted this pair of Red Paton Leather shoes that almost looked like Dorothy’s in the Wizard of Oz movie. No sparkles, but shiny red and strap over the instep with the buckle. I saw them with my grandpa one day. Well one of the neighbors was my Christmas angel that year. She got those red paton leather shoes for me. I proceeded to tell him how it made me feel when my mother made me walk them as well as the other gifts sent over back to her door. Then, knock on the door and have to tell her that I could not accept them. I was devastated! So we, once again stepped out in utter faith, Jimmy in his and me in mine. He asked if he took one of those 3 tags would I be willing to  ‘chip in’ on it, with him. Lets make sure this child gets a Christmas. We decided on his next day off we were gonna take money that had been ear marked for another thing in life and put it off a bit longer and go shopping for whomever he got. The next day he called me for my med reminder and to tell me that after he pulled the card the security guard gave him the name of a 4 yr old little boy. WOW, what are the odds. But then he also told me what was on this kids list. I believe I actually cried when he told me because to me it sounded like a social worker kinda list (not saying it was) but it gave his clothes and shoe size and asked for a puzzle and music….to me as a mother grandmother and great grandmother it sounded like this child needed way worse than we do and trust me we are  hurting financially. At least we have, as adults, ways to attempt to do something but this kids doesn’t. So when Jimmy got home on his next day off we shopped and we got what was on the list and then we got a few more things all little boys from 4+ up love and a few other little things. We shopped as I have shopped for 25 yrs….best bang for my buck and doing business with people that conduct business in a good way when ever possible supporting my local community and neighbors business. So we found some good deals and the pure joy I got to witness on Jimmy’s face while we shopped for this little boy made me so grateful it was worth the pain. But in truth, it was also part of my daily walking therapy for my cardio and other issues that require moving even with the OMG pain. Every uncomfortable step was worth it but we decided beforehand we were both willing to suffer a bit, to ensure this child gets a nice Christmas. So a day or two later after I had wrapped everything up, Jimmy took it to work. He said the guards were shocked by how much he brought in to go under the tree. He was kind of excited to see the reaction at work. I commented back to him that maybe it would inspire others to do just a little bit more this year. Today, he reported that it did have a ripple effect. Others stepped up and did just a tad more like we did. After the day I had, hearing of his day and this news of it rippling; that was hopeful for me. Poor guy has been on nights and they switched him to days for last few days. So he too is exhausted today, but I was so grateful that even as exhausted as he was he made sure I got a therapy whirlpool mat in the tub before he went to bed around 8 pm. I on the other hand can’t sleep from the pain tonight….won’t be able to till the snow gets a tad bit closer and then I get new things for the day to deal with. I almost get a narcoleptic effect when it is coming in, just before the rain, sleet or snow. As in I uncontrollably fall asleep… in the middle of a bite of food, in the middle of a sentence, in the middle of and then I never know if it will be 45 minutes of napping or 5-6 hours but what I do know is I promptly wake back up as soon as it starts raining, sleeting, snowing…like a minute or three before or after, literally. So tonight I am up…doing what I do best….Praying for all mother earth when really today I don’t feel well enough to, but that is not the point is it? the point is I am willing and so I push myself to do it, to pray ceremonially, daily. So to my doctors, that is the extent of my smoking and prayer is the purpose of it. Since the my teachings from the elders across this fine nation and one or three others….I will always continue to pray in a sacred way daily.

But back to the results of stepping out in that faith with the shopping…with money earmarked for something entirely different. After we were done, shopping we stopped at one of our favorite home away from homes…to buy tobacco and because of what I save buying them there, means I have a buck or two to sit and play the 8 cent machines. A mental health therapy….and they even send us weekly vouchers to spend playing as well.  It is the only place, if I am really hurting that Jimmy will leave me with a 5 dollar bill to sit and play and he will run the errands right in the area. So anyhow, I had also been having problems getting any solid food in, which is when I hear my elder remind me what is my motive and intention…well to eat and hold it down and keep things moving….so when I get like this; since last Christmas, there have been times I drink a glass or two of dark red wine to help me be able to eat and digest. So I ordered a glass of wine hoping to be able to eat when we got home in a wee bit. Only it kept hitting. nothing big but 25 bucks is HUGE in my life. So the results were I had two glasses of wine, they brought out food samples, we played a few hours and walked out with almost half the money we really did not have to spend shopping that day for that little boy but it was a step out in faith day. That was the result. Almost half the money we did not have to spend came immediately back into our hands.

Next time we went out, I had appointments that day. So we went in between the two appointments to that favorite spot, hung out and played with a bit of their money for the ‘tween’ time and then went to next doctor appointment and came home, both of us exhausted ….and we walked out with tad bit more of the ‘step out in faith money’ we had spent. I only know One way, take someone by the hand and show them what they do not see from rushing thru life or through lack of knowledge or just simple common curiosity.

So while it has been an extremely difficult month in more ways than I want to discuss, another day, another story…none of my appointments left me hopeful so I really was struggling to just Find something to get my #HopeOn over.

But not this; Creator, God of my Misunderstanding….I know how to survive. I know how to pray and I know thing before during and after they happen…I feel some, I see some, some come in the form of dreams, some in the form of instantly knowing something there is no way for me to know. But I really do hate when I know certain things beforehand and I can’t do anything except prepare others for what is about to happen, even when I know they won’t or don’t want to hear. Like a dear friend Jeff I told would one day go up on the mountain and come down white-headed; like someone else did, in the bible. It was years but it did come to pass. I don’t get to pick what I know and sometime to be honest I do get to pick how much I know or choose not to know. All my life….and distance of others doesn’t even matter…for trust me on this…we are all connected and if you know how, you won’t even need a phone to get a message to another person your plugged into. But to do this, first you must give your life, trust and love to our Creator,  the Christed One and respect all inhabitants of Mother Earth….they hold EQUAL importance in our Creator’s eyes. Each has a job to maintain the balance on Mother Earth.

Taking care of the children is ensuring we will have a future…but please, NOW, more than ever …take care of your neighbors, your communities and if things are wrong then step up and try to point out the problems. Choose to become part of the Solutions. Be willing to BRIDGE the gaps that religions, dogmas, sect, ect have put between us. Let us walk into 2014 intending on no matter what; WE WILL CHOOSE TO LIVE IN CIRCLES. In native terms that means, first your house and it inhabitants, then your neighbors, then your street, then your community, then your city, then your state. Step up in 2014 and commit to just do the right thing MEERLY because in that moment. YOU CAN> do it daily. Commit to praying/talking/even yelling daily at this God of your own misunderstanding…the one you want to commit to having a relationship with.

Personally, after that first rainbow in my recovery with the pathway to the mailbox and my first entry to #PCH ; to be very honest I fired the god I THOUGHT I understood, ya know the one whom had surely already damned me to hell by age 10. I honestly believed that! That it did not matter, what I did I was going anyhow, so I may as well enjoy the ride…Today, I realize how sad that truly is. But I fired that CONCEPT and started praying to a green night table lamp….I was too angry at the god I thought I understood….Thank goodness people took time, with me, took me by the hand and helped me find my road. As today, I try to help Jimmy find his own…I am proud of the progress he has made in this last year.  Especially in view of the hand life has recently dealt him. Trust me when I tell you that he was not ready to hear about stepping out in faith not being the same as talking about it. He himself has had some hard lessons in that area,  in the last year and half. He has grown in so many ways….but it takes feeling safe first. So our Christmas….

On the First day of Christmas my true love gave to me : Opportunity….for both of us to do some childhood healing; we each separately needed to do. I know it means everytime he thinks about the smile that he got to put on some little boys face someplace; I will get to see that Jimmy Smile again…that is Priceless for me. Best Gift there is…..Opportunity to do some healing and help another child out and do some personal healing thru those Stepping Out in Faith Actions. Creator does want your resume HUH?!?! S/He knows it. S/He wants you to come willing to seek your own answers and your personal relationship with God; our Creator, by whatever name you choose to call him, her, it. See that your actions MATCH your words, or you may find no one listens. Try to be mindful of what you utter in 2014…what you speak Will come forth…but maybe not like you expected so watch your words (self included) and take that PAUSE before you answer. I know when I do that, it works…when I do it.

So on the First day of Christmas, my true love for me through out my life….gave to me the Opportunity…to help someone else and help him be able to see to it that little boy’s has a fabulous Christmas, wherever he may be. The biggest message is to BRING THE  HOPE….. Hope comes in many forms and they all look LIKE OPPORTUNITIES TO ME. Each one in my life has been priceless and worth the personal sacrifice… for the good of the ALL…. Knowing that I will continue to Pray for each one of you throughout 2014….. HOKA HEY!….Let’s Ride. It has been an honor to share with you this day….my way.

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