Today, I find myself longing for my daughters…. I have left so much behind. Like a huge mirror that has been shattered into little shards, I have left tiny pieces of mirror of myself all across this country.
Truly I tell you… One must totally lose oneself in order to be found. A paradox indeed.
Recently, I watched the documentary The 13th Step. I find it interesting of all the hours of taping of me the documentarian choose to use the few minutes of my utter anger. Everyone else is depicted in a calm manner… Except me. Interesting indeed. Now more things make sense about that person’s motive. Harsh way to find out. One tiny shard…
I thought I have been grieving my son, grieving how his death totally tore my family apart, grieving that a decade later I still don’t have my daughters in my life. A few shards there.
But as I watched the movie Freedom Writers this afternoon I started crying and just couldn’t quit put my finger on why… I had a wonderful day by comparison to my walk the last decade, heck today has been my best day in a long long time. I got up with the Sun, I made home made cinnamon buns and chatted with a Veteran whom has become a dear, dear friend. And on my pain scale was at an acceptable and functionable level. So why the overwhelming sadness that I can’t put my finger on…quite?
4:44 pm I decide to take a hot bath. Grateful for such a little thing as being able to get in and out all by myself. But I feel the need to grieve…I am just not sure what it is that I am grieving exactly. As I soak in the tub, I hear my cell singing Good Morning, good morning; to me from the living room. I sit in the tub crying still unsure why and begin praying as I often do in the bath. Prayers of gratitude for a tub! Gratitude for my own place for the first time in just shy of a decade. Gratitude for furniture that has been gifted to me….
Again the alarm goes on with singing Good Morning….and I sit there and give prayers for my veteran friend who blessed me with a beautiful purple bathroom. Purple rugs, purple shower curtain, and of course purple towels. Because as she said, “Every woman deserves a pretty bathroom”! Yet somehow I haven’t even been able to use any of those pretty purple towels. Somehow I realized tonight….I didn’t feel worthy of such pretty towels. I had not touched them because I didn’t feel worthy of such prettiness in kinda the same way when I first got sober I couldn’t accept a compliment. But I am giving prayers of thanksgiving for these untouched towels. And for the third time I hear the Good Morning alarm sing. I grab the handicap bars of the tub and hoist my hiney up still crying….and for the first time I grabbed one of those pretty purple towels and wrap it around me then walk to the living room to shut the alarm off. Returning to the bathroom and tub it finally hits me… I m grieving myself …this walk I have made. All the things I left behind! Like tiny shards of mirror! Me….shattered like a mirror and I am just finally getting the broom and dustpan out to try and sweep all the shards up and make some sense of it ALL.
So now that I have been able to put my finger on it maybe I can finally write about it all. My son’s death, the changing of my name, the reasons I walked away from so much and so many that still are so very dear to me. How could I ….if I loved them and wanted to keep everyone safe and myself alive… How could I not?
Verily I say to you…every morning when the sun rises I do ask myself What good am I going to do Today? For surely I know that when I go out to say evening prayers with the Sunset…. It take a shard of me with it…. Will it be a useful memory, did my overwhelming pain somehow help another human being get thru one more day, did I do something, anything good in this day…. Even if it was only to empathize with another or to pray for another selflessly? Did I try to make it a better world somehow Today? Did I think of the generations I am merely borrowing Mother Earth from? Did I make choices with those generations in my heart first and not as an after thought? Was I a decent human being today?
If not…there was no purpose in those shards…. #JustSayin
So I think I will finish grieving Me tonight and maybe re-watch the documentary, The 13th Step, in the morning and get on with writing this unbelievable story of my journey.
Smoke n prayers unto you ~ Woman Walkin in Faith