Tag Archives: rain

Teachers Walk The Hardest Roads

To 
  

Today is Wednesday, September 11, 2013.

Today this will be my Hope….

rainbow for me this week

                                                                                                  

This is the Story of how and when got my first #HopeOn ; known under another name back then, around Oct/Nov 1988. My 12 step Recovery sponsor was AT me. (Meaning she was fussing daily) about praying….. and I was too Rage~filled at the God that I thought I understood; or so I thought at the time; and this was a day like I had last week….and like last week; this God I refused to pray to due to my own anger at my lot as it seemed in life… I refused to pray…why bother? So I got up one morning with it pouring; like it can only pour on the coast of North Carolina……. buckets and buckets; then the cats and dogs come!

{Laughing out loud… this is my story I can laugh if I wanna!}

I had mid-terms or maybe it was finals and I was taking computer sciences at Carteret Community College. So to be honest; I woke up frantic to start with and still had four small kids to dress as a newly single mom. Then get them to school and daycare, before I got myself to College for this test. I was living in a house at the time I could not pay rent on (thank you Dana O., wherever you may be!) nor my electric bill. Like all the rest of my bills that had not been paid since I had not worked since April 1987, as a civilian mess manager for MCAS Cherry Point with a bit of rank for a woman in my late 20’s…another story another day…

Yet, somehow my electric was still on and someone else was loaning me the use of an old car that had been sitting in their driveway. But still, I woke up Angry at the Whole dang WORLD; if you want me to be really honest.

Dang it, it was pouring out!

I did not feel like even getting out of bed but by then I was so used to pushing myself till I dropped…it like many other things, it had just become habit. Kind of like my Anger!

So I get 4 small children in the car that is borrowed, leaving a house I am not and have not been able to pay rent for and drive two children to the lil elementary school Newport, NC and the two younger ones to daycare so that I can go take this exam.


Dang can it possibly pour ANY HARDER?!?!?

I drop off first two children then head into Morehead City, NC. About 1 mile from the daycare and about 2 miles from the college and…

DANG IT IT IS FLIPPIN” POURING OUT!

*BAM* *THUMP and *THUMP and yes *THUMP again. Crap. I JUST GOT A FLAT TIRE!

NOW if you think I was not already pissed…..and it is POURIN’ N POURIN’ and I got a flat and now, no way that I can make it in time for my test!  To top my morning off, I now have to get out in this down pour and change this flat because I can’t call no one…heck I could even afford a phone back then and there was no lifeline for help with phone. Borderline pre~dating cell phones in the box even; in 1988/89.  You know, back when there was telephone booths still! I wasn’t working and the dad wasn’t paying child support either!

I was mad, I tell you, at the whole dang world….

And now I am soaked and of course, my luck being; MY Luck….

I could not even get this tire off and it is still pouring! That’s about when Cliff rode by and did a U turn to came back and took me and 2 kids to the daycare. Then proceeded to drive both of us off to the college since we both had exams that day.

Was I grateful someone stopped and did that? I am ashamed to tell you No, I wasn’t ….(Cliff, Wa’do for your patience back then)

I run thru the rain only thinking of myself, I left poor Cliff locking up his truck in the rain…I ran to the college elevators to get upstairs to my exam room. I ran down the hall…and that was back when I could still run, barely.

I reach for the doorknob and Double Dog Dang It the dang handle is Locked. So It is now 9:05am and I was just locked out of an exam that I needed to take to continue getting my FASFA aid to educate myself to try to better Our lives.

Now I am beyond angry, I am in high gear and teetering RAGE!

I have no clue how I am even going to get home from the college….let alone pick 4 kids from two different locations and still had a flat tire to deal with on someone else’s car loaned to me but could I find a mustard seed of gratitude or even pray….NOPE; this bull had dug her heals in!

It’s now 10 am and here comes Cliff to the student lounge with two cups of coffee and offering me a ride and help with all of those issues. Proceeded to tell me I would have to wait till he took one more exam but then he was free to help. I was still too busy wasting my energy being angry, I couldn’t even thank him for offering. But I did wait and Cliff drove me home after we could not get the tire off, he pulled the car into the AutoZone parking lot and went in and spoke to the manager for me while I sat in his truck…

Just being Angry and Dang it is still pouring and I am still in soaked clothes and now it is around noonish.

We head back towards where I lived in Newport.

I never did thank Cliff that day. I ran from his truck to my door…and now I am so mad that I am crying; which of course only makes me burn deeper with that anger that is now being directed inward at myself.

And dang it it is still POURIN’!

I slam the steel security door with just a peep hole in it. I lean back against that door after I had slammed it shut!!!!! Very loud and angrily I proceeded to yell at the God, I thought I understood and at that time still believed had damned me to this thing call Life and I called Hell. I won’t go into what I said exactly cuz I am fairly certain if you are still reading this…you get the drift. But the jist of it was, “God if you are there, then I Need a little Sunshine; Someplace in my life…Anyplace.” Oh yes, I was even being sarcastic…ask some of my cousins, I used to have a knife for a tongue.

Hark! What is that noise I hear while I am leaning on the door yelling at God? Why it is the mailman! Can you imagine what I must have been thinking? Well, I can tell you it was close to something like, “YA, thanks God; more bad news and more bills I can’t pay!” And all my 12 step sponsor will say is, ‘until I am willing to at least try and pray…this is how things in my life will stay!’ Now THAT was an even more unpleasant thought! But I figured; in that moment; “May as well go get the mail while I am still soaking WET and before my hot bath.” I opened the door.

 

What I found shocked and amazed me so much that to this very day it brings me to a place of humility that I STILL cry, today. {actually, I need to go take a cry break; out in my garage, so the rainbow above is from last humpday, (Septemeber 11, 2013) which I got to witness last Wednesday, outside my garage door}  be right back to finish this story…..

 

 

 

At opening the door…. (September 14, 2013) with my Cry On still occurring in real time I found this :}   

 

 

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  I open the door….back that day in 1988, I thought to myself, “Well, let’s get the rest of the bad news over with. OH MY GOD; is this day ever gonna end? It is not even 1 pm yet! Dang!”

Wiping the tears from my eyes I slowly open my steel door….forget wiping tears! That is gonna be a no go now! Before my very eyes….there is a 3 to 4 foot wide pathway!

Oh My God, IT IS STILL POURING; BUT….

There is this small pathway from my front door to my mailbox across the street! You know; the door that I was just leaning on, on the other side of it; ranting at?  What I thought I believed about God and my relationship or non~relationship; to be more accurate. Ranting and stomping my feet like one of my small children would do, demanding sunshine someplace in my day; any place. To open that door and see (What I still will tell everyone; I know was, ‘Just for me’) that there was a Pathway of sunshine with NO rain from the door to the mailbox across the street. Ok; I am now paying attention; to what my 12 sponsor had said to me about the fact she really did not care how angry I was at God but I needed to pray in order to open those lines of communication again. That is, if I wanted Real Recovery in my life and to give my own children something different, I would have to be willing to DO something different, FIRST.

 

I balled, all the way from my door to my mailbox. Yet I still expected bad news and more bills which I could not pay unless I got a miracle. I had given up on those. I didn’t believe in them anymore…those were for other people, not me! I walked all the way back to the house; shut the door and for the first time in six to eight months; I opened my heavy drapes in my living room to look out upon the FLIPPIN’ Pouring rain!

Mainly, to see if that path really was just for me…..

 

I opened the drapes….I watch my pathway slowly disappear as it starts raining where I  had just walked. Where miraculously, it was dry and sunny just moments before. My pea brain just could not absorb all this. I was overwhelmed now and my mind is going a 1,000 miles an hour. Finally, I see my very first rainbow just past where I had so very recently walked in a path of sunshine THAT to this day I will swear Creator sent just for me. Oh yeah, I got a handful of mail but now I think I can at least open it and do my dread list (another story, another day).

Once my rainbow disappeared, I start opening my mail, when I noticed they are from a few states ago; from even, a few years back by looking at the envelopes. Except for a Publishers Clearing House envelope, junk mail for the round file; as it is lovingly called in the military world.

Now I am getting worried again…ok, breathe, and breathe, while trying to talk myself into opening these envelopes. What I found was all except for one envelope, was a check! All security deposit checks on an old utility bills being returned; finally. Not always easy to locate a military family that moves on demand. I am so shocked to see that collectively these returned deposits will pay my 8 month past due electric bill, and at least the water & sewer and trash too; while leaving me enough to have 20 bucks….

{back when 20 bucks filled up even gas guzzlers….laughing…told ya, my story…I can laugh if I wanna!}

To put in the gas tank when I would go back later that day to pick up my kids. I would have it to offer to Cliff, for all the gas he had used to help my ungrateful, angry butt out; that day. He was returning at 3 pm to pick me up, to go to pick up all the kids. He had said that maybe, we would see about the car at that time, if it had stopped raining by then. Now, I am in just total amazement and thinking maybe, JUST MAYBE there is something to this prayer thing. Maybe, I just didn’t fit; in the places I had looked. Just a thought.

 

Oh yes, so I bet you’re wondering how any of this ties into Publisher’s Clearing House and the Prize Patrol…the last piece of mail I had received that day was a Publisher’s Clearing House entry in the mailbox too. By this point of my day it is 1:30pm or so and I decide right then if I can find one stamp in this house….

I do not dare after receiving a pathway of sunshine, almost on demand. Then exactly how much money I needed plus 20 bucks to cover 8 months living expenses?!? To NOT at least be humble enough to try and do the right thing when Cliff gets back and offer it to him for his trouble. Not to mention his patience of listening to my rantings thru the day and trying to be the positive one in my day that day.

I am searching drawers all over… the loaned to me… house filled with ‘given to me’ furniture; thinking about what Cliff told me, “that I could change how I thought and how I feel about anything in my life” and thus change my perceptions.

Still searching but now in a different room and still thinking that maybe; I could try this prayer thing…

My friend and sponsor said I just had to pick something or someone I felt was a power Greater than myself; even if that was a doorknob or a tree. It did not matter to her, it only had to matter to me. I had spewed many times to her about my anger at the God I thought I understood; she told me I could fire that God and hire one I felt I could work with; one I found to be loving. One I felt would love me just as I was, warts and all! Rolling all these thoughts around my pea brain and searching… Bingo finally found one stamp.

I did my first mail in entry under the name I was living by then, Veronica McGuire to PCH.

Today, I can tell you it took me on a Search that brought me back to my Irish and Cherokee roots….I practice old native ways today, by choice; and have Creator, God of my own misunderstanding as only I say…because I don’t have to figure it out… my part is the footwork and that was the day that I started my on and off again relationship with #PCH  With Publisher’s Clearing House to get started you got to be willing to enter…

Now I want you to know….I have continued with many of the same struggles as then; only now my children are grown. Heck even some of my grandchildren have children. But I choose my perspective each morning when I wake up and I make one decision only:

Am I going to live and walk in my faith or live and walk in my fears…..What am i going to to do good today for someone else?

So far, what I can report is it truly is a miracle that I am able to be here to even write this story today. Feel blessed to share it with y’all, anyday.

There is MY story of when I got my 1st rainbow and my first #HopeOn . How it all ties into Prize Patrol because what I learned was how to live in the faith, each day that I wake up. This was my GiveBack to Publishers Clearing House and the Prize Patrol, and if they knock on my door…. I have a Vision.

Today, I have something money can’t buy and know how to ‘live with abandon’ do my part of the footwork and leave the result to the right dept….

Today, it is with the Creator, God of my own misunderstanding…

That way; the ends always come out so much sweeter…..somehow.

Can’t explain it and no longer even ask Why…

I do my part the footwork…so have I left anyone with a Hope On ? Today I go by my legal native name and that too is another story another day….just sayin’ Ah-ho Mitaukye Oyasin’

Difference Today is I want money… alot of it no less. I want to help people, to truly make a difference in their life. Today I want to start a non profit and a soup kitchen. A nonprofit so that I may help others already established in helping others…. like Wellbriety to train some facilitators so people can find a lasting recovery for drug and alcohol issues with trained facilitators… maybe a women’s shelter, which sadly often involves drugs or alcohol even if it doesn’t seem to be the immediate problem, the homeless and our veterans…. Which explains in itself why I want to open a soup kitchen.

I have a vision of a soup kitchen, where if you can leave a donation…  Great !…but if you can’t, no questions will be asked. If you bring the whole family for dinner awesome. Or if your a worker stopping by for lunch to cut down on groceries at home or to ensure your children have enough to eat. No problem and no funny looks. And in this soup kitchen… a wall of resources, dedicated to pamphlets and flyers of information on what help is available in the area and when. What churches and where they are. Where you can get the help you need. Maybe even short term employment listings. and a van that will take the wheelchair bound people of my community to Reno to doctor appointments… it is a serious issues here. We don’t have the doctors we need locally for the truly ill and we have no way to get them to where the doctors that can treat them are. Quite sad. Except helicopter, for medivac.

And let’s face it…when you feed others they are more apt to seek help right there… This is my vision as 2015 draws to an end. Having walked in many of those shoes already myself… I want to help others overcome these obstacles in life and put Unity back in my Community.

Now if Publisher’s Clearing House would come knock on my door…..

By Woman Walkin In Faith